Eyes Thoughts Heart
by iFabi
Summary: While dealing with the shadows of her life, Callie was told to do some processing. Read A/N for more info.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Eyes. Thoughts. Heart

Rating: PG 13 / R for some language

Summary: While dealing with the shadows of her life, Callie was told to do some processing. References of past events in the life of Dr. Torres might be metioned in this fic.

Disclaimer: Characters and refences to Grey's Anatomy all property of ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

A/N: This is Callie's journal. A bit of insight of how she sees life, what are her thoughts, and how the heart process all. All critics, good or bad, are well accepted.

"Easy? Comfortable? That's what you have to said for this ... Blasphemy? And you still have the face to call me and ask for acceptance and tell me that you are in love with that woman? You are no daughter of mine ..."

I keep replaying that over and over and over in my head 'no daughter of mine' ...

I was a geek, a dork, I was anti-social, and that was high school. Once in college things changed (call it hormones). Hell, I was a slut! One different guy every 2 nights. That was the rule, grab him, take him, and kick him. Love was a too complicated "job" for me at that time, until I met this guy named Axel. 3 years in college, he was in his first year and ... I don't know. In that moment, was this tingling that goes from your heart to between your legs and you believe is love? Yeah, that.

So we were in a relationship, for 6 months, he got quite popular cuz he tamed the easy A of campus, they said, and then, after I declared my love for him, all he had to said was that he cheated. Just like that. I became, not a slut, but ... The bitch. Yep. For a whole year before I was gone of that horrible place.

Ok! To the point. So you already know about George, and Erica and blah blah blah, we talk every night, don't we? Well, now I am really in love, as you know, and its ... A roll coaster? A crack high? A nightmare? A dream? I ... I don't know. I really don't. I have the one person who has lifted me in ways that are no human. I tried to find, to go way back to when I started with her and is just, all. Every bit. Every little thing, every detail, every I love you, every time we make love is ... An experience of their own.

But I've lost not much, but a significant part of me ...

So here I am, sitting on the roof of my amazing place of work. Where I become a hero. A god. I save lives, bring smiles to families; I bring hope to the human kind *insert Star Wars theme here*. Here I'm someone better, even with the lost of the lives of patients. Here is where I can be me, and only me, and not get judge about it.

This might surprise you but I'm smoking. Is a little shocking, even for me but, the thing is I needed to feel the taste of nicotine and menthol on my tongue and all the way down my throat and deep to my lungs. It kills, and I know. Man, do I know, but is like a release. I feel like I'm in therapy with myself, and no, I am not high.

So why I'm smoking? Let's go to the first paragraph of all this shit I've written on you tonight.

That's the last call I made to my dad and how it ended almost a month ago. Isn't it lovely?

I know he doesn't hate me, I know he does still loves me but is unsettling. Unsettling that those words came out of him. That, right now, I don't know where we stand, if he's going to forgive me ... I know he loves me but, in the mean time, what the hell I'm supposed to live with myself?

Love bussiness is bullshit. Period... That is until I go home and see my hot amazing and awesome girlfriend, so nevermind.

Arizona told me to process. That I wasn't talking, that I was faking life, those were her words and the pain and worry in her eyes cut me deep and nicely. That I was beginning to be like a robot and that I was losing my SHINE ... I will never get that side of her.

The thing is, that one month later, I'm here, writting this down cuz ... Well, I miss him. I do. And I'm an adult. In a relationship with an amazing woman. Who loves me, surround with people who only want the best for me but ... I miss him.

He was my backbone, the one I could lean on for so many times and, now is like ... If I lean, I will fall hard on my ass. And I feel like, somehow, I've failed him. All the plans he had, I crushed them with this but I can't change. Being with Arizona has showed me that saying no is always an option and that, if you want, you should take it.

Oh! I got a page. But we will keep talking about this when I'm done.

C


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Eyes. Thoughts. Heart Chap. 2

Author: iFabi

Rating: PG 13 / R for some mature language

Summary: While dealing with the shadows of her life, Callie was told to do some processing. References of past events in the life of Dr. Torres might be mentioned in this fic.

Disclaimer: Characters and references to Grey's Anatomy all property of ABC and Shonda Rhimes.

Jan 2. 2011

To say I'm exhausted would be an understatement. 4 am and I got home just and hour ago and I'm drained.

New Year. New cases. New challenges. New problems... Problems. Those seem to have me grabbed by the ass and not letting go.

This past 2 weeks have been out of control. People decorating their big houses in places they shouldn't be decorating, falling, black ice, accidents, is INSANE. Like the 1st just at 12:30 am came in this 18 year old kid with a fracture in his right upper arm and left ankle in the ER cuz he thought it was fun to hang a firework from one of the electric poles in front of his house, and before he got there, he fall. Now, remind me why I want kids again. Or to get a place with no kind of poles near the area.

That was first and most exciting part of the night cuz, of curse, the kid's going to be fine. After that, I get home extremely late to a very sleepy Arizona with her cartoon pjs of this new absurd cartoons called Phineas and Ferbs ... I think is those, well she was very snuggled and very comfy in our bed and I go to her side of the bed and give her a sweet smooch on her lips cuz is New Years and I can, so I go straight to the bathroom after that, just to be greeted with North Pole-Dead Body Cold water and it was just plain awesome. She's hot, but she's evil.

The cold seem to get to my insides from head to toe. I was resting my forehead against the shower wall and I felt the salty taste of tears on my lips. That moment when tears fall down of your eyes without you noticing, is a sign that you need a happy pill, a good, happy thing to happen in your life. Licking them off my lips and washing my face once more, I got out of the shower and I had a moment with myself and the mirror. I am so changed, deeper expression lines, a few white hairs, I felt older, more mature, more woman. I need my girlfriend to tell me I'm hot right now. Well, I'm pretty hot, I'm just a beautiful disaster right now. Or so says Addison.

So now I'm here on my break a day later, drinking some coffee and in my old hiding, living, rebel-residency days spot, the basement, with nothing to do and a lot to think about and talk out and live out... I am exhausted. More emotionally and mentally than anything. Almost 2 moths and no sign from any of my family, well, an email from my sister saying 'I'm sorry' and I know what she meant. At least someone is ok with it, or that's what I think. You'll be surprised of what a hopeful heart can do to yourself.

My dad has so much control in the collective opinions of the family that I'm sure my sister is not the only one. I miss my mom most of all. I miss how warm and loved I felt by just one look from her ... I miss being a child. When you are a kid, you don't have to deal, you just grabbed a popsicle and watched cartoons and that was it. No drama, no fights, no heartbreak. Easy life. All of it was easy. Well, apart from the part when a kid took your toy or had your same shoes. That was a no no in my book.

I'm working double shifts just to pay rent, I'm broken beyond repair, I'm a mess, I'm ... Responsible for everything that is going on. Cause and effect. Good or bad is just the way it is, like it or not. I think a lot about lying about this. Hiding it so I can have my family back. Living a lie. Being something I'm not for someone else, nonetheless, I just can't do it. I can't do it to Arizona, I can't do it to myself, I can't do it to us as a couple cuz is not a healthy way of dealing with things. When lies even becomes an option in peoples lives? The truth can be harsh, mean, shocking, but is the truth. And I prefer to live with it, than to live a lie... Is just so much. Too much. And I feel like I can't take it but I look to the side and I see my life and everything that I have in it and is just not fair. None of this is fair, honestly. You just get thrown down here and go get a life and look out for the huge bumps in it. There's no manual, no warning. Sometimes I wish my life was like that Equilibrium movie, where feelings where taken away with a shot of whatever the hell it was and go live like a robot. But I love art way too much, so that's out of the equation.

The kid with the fireworks told me this when I ask him why not do it from the ground? He just said 'All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.' I looked at him curiously cuz for a 18 year old saying something like that was ... Shocking. Yep. He just said to my very obvious, full of curiosity and shocked face 'why do it from the ground, when I can do it from above? I can do more if I want to. Broke some bones? Some have died just trying. I just got lucky' and just like that meds took over and he fall asleep. I swear, that kid has to be Ghandi reincarnated.

And he is totally right, and I saw life differently right that moment. Taking the easy way out, the easy decision, the easy option, make it hard, make it worth it. Happiness is full of sacrifices and ... Is my happiness, in the end, is my happiness. Is my life and my body and asking my father for forgiveness, somehow lower myself for his satisfaction, is giving him the easy way back into my life.

This one was deep, huh? Well, I did said I had a lot to process but, yet again, I'm being paged. Thank God I love my job.

C 


End file.
